HUMOR COLUMN: Neither right-handed nor left but in good company

I don’t know if I came into the world backward, awkward or some other way when I arrived with alacrity a little over 64 years ago.

But I do know I’m a member of the netherlands that is neither left-handed or right-handed.

Some call us “mutt-handers.”

And then there is the term “cross-dominance,” a condition that exists when a person is right-handed but has a dominant left foot or eye, or vice versa.

Wikipedia says “cross-dominance is also known as mixed-handedness, mixed dominance, or hand-confusion. It is a motor skill manifestation where a person favors one hand for some tasks and the other hand for others.”

A cross-dominant person, for example, might write with the right hand but throw primarily with the left. Ambidexterity is a well-known but rare variant of cross-dominance, but cross-dominant people may also be left or right-handed rather than ambidextrous.

I write, throw, shoot a pistol, rifle, tie my bow tie, use ye old faithful plunger, brush my teeth and wash dishes left-handed.

I play tennis, bat, kick, lift things, put my shoes on, wear my watch, sweep, shovel and wash my bod from the right side.

I hammer, shoot a basketball, write on a chalkboard, paint a wall, play pingpong and cast a fishing line with either hand.

If I tried hard and long enough, I could throw and write right-handed.

And I don’t play golf because it doesn’t feel right hitting from either side.

Being in this netherlands between left and right handedness has been frustrating. I think it has affected my befuddled brain. I can write a story and do creative things, but I am a directional, computer and mathematical derelict.

And we won’t even touch, statistics, sizes, shapes, reading a ruler (bring back my pica stick), science and logic.

This burden has gotten to me so much that I felt the need for help. I called Dr. Media General’s office in Furlough, S.C. He’s a specialist in treating sinking ships.

“Dr. General,” I said, “I’m a dying breed in more ways than one. I’m a print journalist who’s being cast in with the sound-bite TV types. I’m being mixed, mashed and mushed so that I can be called a digital reporter.

“And I’m losing my creativity covering seven-hour Florence City Council meetings. They get so long that I can’t decide which ear to use or which side of my tormented fundament to sit on.”

Dr. General thought for a moment and then said there are different theories on handedness. He said one has to do with genes and heredity. He said I’m a familial left-hander.

But why were my mother, father, grandmothers and grandfathers right-handed? What’s more, they were all playing with full decks.

He didn’t have an answer for than until I told him my Uncle Bob Dana was a mutt-hander. He never knew whether he was coming or going and couldn’t have cared less.

Dr. General rubbed his chin, thought about life in Furlough, and then said, “As mere mortals, we are right-handed and have what we call a right-turn factor. There is a tendency to be be right-handed.

“BUT, in some people, that gene is missing and there is no tendency. Handiness is left to choice. One hand is searching for the gene, while the other is scratching its head.”

Meanwhile, I guess I’ll just muddle on through life as a mutt-hander singing “Searchin’” by the Coasters while looking for that lost gene.

But I know I’m in pretty good company.

Some of those who had similar problems are Leornado da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Oscar Wilde, Michelangelo, Benjamin Franklin, Ludwig van Beethoven and Dr. Media General.