Redneck Nostradamus gazes into Pee Dee’s future

The Christmas tree is in the ditch and your credit card is in intensive care. It’s time for the redneck Nostradamus to gaze into his crystal ball to see what the future holds for the Pee Dee in 2009.

I predict Bubba Matthews’ tattoo will be invited to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.” Budweiser will be named the official beverage at the Neck; water came in fourth. If they didn’t need the water to water the marijuana, water would have been 34th. The Indiantown barbecue will be born again. The natives never had to steal a hog. To be on the menu was a status symbol, so all the hogs volunteered.

In 2009, Anderson Brothers Bank will introduce a new service for those who like to keep their money under the mattress or buried in the backyard. Neil Anderson will give you a mattress with a new account or a shovel if you bury your money. Auddie Brown will offer a unique guarantee on all cars: a 50,000-mile guarantee on the glove compartment. Wal-Mart will guarantee all their products made in China for 15 minutes or the life of the product. Red Lobster will no longer offer their endless shrimp promotion to people in Timmonsville unless they agree to let people watch while they eat. Barnes & Noble will offer a hardback cover of these columns with the purchase of the complete works of Shakespeare and a CD of LaVerne Ard’s greatest hits. Wilbur Brown will denounce the almighty dollar and go live in a cave in Leo, Latta and Lake View will merge, but they will still continue to have a separate football team, because Latta can’t beat cream with an outboard motor. Pedro at South of the Border will retire and be replaced by Fred DuBard. Carolinas Hospital System will start a symphony orchestra conducted by Dr. Edward Floyd. Dorn Smith will play the ukulele; Dr. Troy Gamble will play the Jew’s harp.

Sheriff Kenney Boone invited them to play at the Effingham Hilton before a captive audience. Dr. Floyd, builder of libraries, defender of the oppressed, has one weakness. He can’t decide which he dislikes the most: Democrats or Clemson. When one of the inmates requested the Tiger Rag, Dr. Floyd threw a chicken at him.

Florence-Darlington Technical College will add a course in cloning. Cloning is nothing new in Marion County; they call them cousins. In Darlington, they call them significant others. Lake City, tired of being ridiculed for not having a lake, will form a bucket brigade from Lynches to Lake City. They plan to flood Church Street and sell waterfront lots.

The second annual mosquito festival will be held at Fork. Mosquitoes will fly in from all over the Pee Dee. Last year, it was rumored the Fork Chamber of Commerce substituted Heinz ketchup for blood. The mosquitoes were not amused. This year, the chamber of commerce will add French fries.
These are some of my predictions for 2009. Next week: more of the same.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.