Desperate for victory, Gamecocks can turn to gluttony

I’m certain my gentle readers will be happy to hear I’ve been accepted into the Gamecock Admiration Society in Greeleyville. My membership was based on a fact that this column and Gamecock football has something in common: Both are full of miserable exuberance, both are about as appetizing as meringue on fatback.

And so it came to pass that the Gamecock faithful gathered together at the hen house in Columbia. Their mission was to discuss ways and means of beating Florida, Georgia, Tennessee and Clemson more than once every four years. Let the record show that beating the Tigers every four years is responsible for a great rejoicing among the egg layers.

It could be worse. What if Christmas only came once every four years? Suppose you could only shop at Wal-Mart once every four years? The KFC rejects — after much scratching, crowing and egg laying — decided what was needed was a new sport, one where the chickens would be the dominating Dominecker. Spin the bottle, strip poker, ring-around-the roses, Monopoly and hide-and-seek were all considered, but discarded.

Then one old self-righteous capon came up with an idea that was widely acclaimed. The Gamecocks would field the first-ever gluttony team. While eating is an amateur sport found at every buffet in the Pee Dee, participants don’t wear uniforms or have cheerleaders.

To find a championship gluttony team, you have to recruit the best, because everyone has the same number of teeth and appetites are not made in China and sold at Wal-Mart.

Where do you go to find a blue chip eater? If buffets fear you, if pigs climb trees when they see you coming, if you believe gravy is a beverage and if you have been indicted on days ending in the letter “Y,” Cocky wants you. If you can eat a cake (even though blue denim has replaced red velvet), if you consider a fatback and Jell-O sandwich a delicacy, you could be a Gamecock.

Phil Kornblut, writing in the Daily Denouncer, revealed that USC has signed Jeremiah, “Cool Breeze” Jones, a blue chip consumer of grits and grease. He chose the dirty bird over Notre Dame, Florida, LSU, Georgia and the International House of Pancakes in Greeleyville. Cool Breeze plans to major in hip hop and tattoo technology.

Kornblut reports that Gamecocks fans on the Internet are ecstatic. One report claimed Cool Breeze once ate four watermelons and six pounds of chicken feet in 30 seconds. Chicken lovers are cackling with wild enthusiasm and hope runs high that USC will capture their FEC title in gluttony.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.