CHARLIE WALKER: Send me your recipe for ice

In my column I’ve stepped on more toes than a herd of stampeding elephants. From President Barack Obama to zebras, I’ve left no stone unturned, no toes unstepped on. You could sharpen your pencils on my sarcasm. But now I’ve been dinged by the dangling dong of destiny.

A letter from S. Baker in Olanta disagrees when I say Sonic has the best ice in the Pee Dee. According to the letter, I know as much about ice as LaVerne Ard’s Wharf rat knows about Obama’s health plan. The letter further states, “There is no other place to find ice jewels except Jack’s in Pamplico, and soon-to-be Jack’s in Florence near the civic center. I know you haven’t eaten at these places or you wouldn’t have mentioned the other place in your column.”

For the record, I have dined at Jack’s in Pamplico, but I was so busy talking LaVerne Ard into paying the bill, the quality of the ice escaped me. The letter continues: “Jack’s ice deserves five stars; it’s hand-shaven, handpicked, boiled and served by their kitchen staff including Jack and Carol Ann Holt.” There are no alcoholic beverages sold; it’s a family restaurant.

Since the letter writer was obliviously a patron of Jack’s, I think he should give S. Baker a toothpick, a glass of water and a crouton for half price. Since S. Baker and I disagree on who has the best ice in the Pee Dee, we could have an ice Super Bowl. So, I invite our intelligent, good-looking readers who hold their noses while reading this journalistic jive to submit the name of the establishment who, in their opinion, has the best ice in the Pee Dee.

We need impartial judges. Henry Swink has a polar bear. He can’t afford a safe, so he hired a polar bear named Leroy to guard his boiled peanuts. LaVerne Ard has a penguin who is engaged to the Wharf rat. If they have children, LaVerne promised me the pick of the litter. I plan to enter it into the Miss Greeleyville beauty contest.

No icebergs or glaciers are eligible. The ice at Jim’s IGA in Lake City is disqualified, because Mr. Locklear puts Viagra in his ice so it won’t melt. Since they have no electricity in Greeleyville, their ice is made from okra and polyester double knit. Don’t ever drink iced tea in Greeleyville.

If you believe your ice is better than Sonic or Jack’s, send me your recipe. You will be graded on neatness and originality. The prizes will make your heart sing: a brand new penny from Dorn Smith at The Citizen’s Bank; a toothpick from Outback Steakhouse; a Band-Aid from Carolinas Hospital System; a boiled peanut from McCall’s Farm, Hicks Harwell promised to defend you for 15 minutes (or until your money runs out, whichever comes first); an autopsy from Bubba Matthews; a free slice of Poston Pride bologna from Junior Poston; a used tire from B and C Fuel Co. in Pamplico guaranteed for 200 feet or until you get out of Pamplico; Johnsonville Chief of Police Ron Douglas will not give you a ticket for running over a Poston; and Kelton Floyd will bury two McKenzies for the price of one if they both have insurance.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.