Cecil: Finding humor in Southern women

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another edition of Cecil’s World in print. I have learned, living in the South, it is OK to talk about and poke fun at Southern sayings, redneck jokes and just about anything to do with our Southern culture.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am proud to be a Southern boy living in the South. I take pride in my Southern roots. With all of that in mind, ladies, do not take this column the wrong way. A friend of mine sent me this awhile back, and I thought it was funny, so I want to pass it on. It is all about Southern women (and please remember I’m married to one).
Southern women appreciate their natural assets: clean skin, a winning smile, that unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners: “Yes, ma’am.” “Yes, sir.” “Why, no, Billy!”
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions: “Y’all come back!” “Well, bless your heart.” “Drop by when you can.” “How’s your momma?”
Southern women know their vacation spots: the beach, the rivuh, the crick.
Southern women know the joys of June, July and August: colorful high-heel sandals, strapless sundresses, iced sweet tea.
Southern women know everybody’s first name: Honey, Darlin’, Shugah.
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts: “Fried Green Tomatoes,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Gone With The Wind.”
Southern women know their religion: Baptist, Methodist and football.
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl’stn. Meemfis. S’vanah. Foat Wuth. N’awlins. Addlanna.
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: men in uniform, men in tuxedos, Rhett Butler.
Southern girls know their prime real estate: the mall, the country club, the beauty salon.
Southern girls know the three  deadly sins: having bad hair and nails, having bad manners and cooking bad food.
OK, ladies, that is enough about Southern ladies. Now I have some more Southern-isms:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “have” them, you “pitch” them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
Here is one I love: Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
I have seen one of these signs before in Darlington County: “Going to town, be back directly.”
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be a mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
Here is something I hear Southerners say a lot: “Can I have some sweet tea?” or “Can I have some sweet milk?” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it; we do not like our tea unsweetened. Sweet milk means you don’t want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say,“Bless her heart” and go your own way.
To those of you who still are a little embarrassed by your Southern-ness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And for those who are not from the South, but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”
That’s it for another Cecil’s World in Print. I’ll see you next week, right here in the Morning News and on the tube. Y’all come back now, ya hear?

— Cecil Chandler is a veteran reporter at WBTW News13. His column appears Mondays in the Morning News.