COLUMN: Court the dead vote is a grave matter

A story from the early political career of Lyndon B. Johnson, possibly apocryphal but surely symbolic, has the future president traipsing through a Texas graveyard in the middle of the night, accompanied by a few trusted aides. Using flashlights and a notepad, they are scouring the tombstones for the names of voters who might help LBJ in an upcoming congressional race.

Johnson and one aide are in a central position, handling the transcription, while everyone else is working the rows, calling out names.

“John Z. Smith,” hollered one.

“Got it,” said LBJ.

“Bubba Joe Howard,” said another.

“Check,” said LBJ’s chief aide.

“Roosevelt P. Johnson,” came a cry from far down an aisle.

“Wait a minute,” interjected another voice, “you can’t put him down. He’s a Republican.”

A pregnant pause.

“Now, now,” said LBJ. “This is a free country. Everybody has the right to vote.”

This tall Texas tale comes to mind following news from our own state capital that 957 dead people — the number is curiously precise — may have voted in recent elections. The information turned up when a Department of Motor Vehicles official challenged numbers from the State Election Commission regarding the number of state voters without driver’s licenses (or, more specifically, without photo I.D.s).

It’s not clear if the number is really that big — there could be some recording errors, the DMV noted — or just when or where the dead people voted. But the news caused a stir all the same.

And well it should. The views of voter rights purests like LBJ aside, voting by the dead, or necroballoting as it is sometimes referred to in high academic circles, is generally considered to be bad form.

Among other problems, dead folks sometimes have difficult operating those fancy new machines, especially if they kicked the bucket a long time ago. They also tend to float around ignoring carefully  constructed district lines.

But where there are voters there is opportunity, and in a close election, like, say, the South Carolina Republican Presidential Preference Primary, which is less than a week away, 957 (or so) votes could make a difference.

Which candidate is courting this newfound constituency, and whose message and image best resonates in the great beyond? Consulting with several political mediums in the area, I was able to divine this report on how the various candidates are approaching this un-consistuency. Take it in the, um, spirit in which it’s intended.

Michelle Bachman: Vote for me! We have a lot in common. We’re both dead!

Rick Perry: Well, as my ol’ grandpappy once told me, there are only two things in life that are certain: taxes and … um. Well, that’s just the funniest durn thing. I can’t come up with the other one. I know you’d find it mighty interesting, though. Let me get back to you on that …

Herman Cain: Some of you dead folk are women, right?

Rick Santorum: I’m the most serious candidate and there’s nothing more serious than death. And let’s not forget: no candidate is more committed to the rights of the unborn, to rights of human beings before birth. Believe me, I’m just as committed to the other end of the spectrum.

Mitt Romney: Corporations are people. Some corporations have been terminated. A lot of them really. I helped terminate a number of them myself. Anyway, the corollary is that if corporations are people and some corporations are dead, then dead people are voters, too. So you’ve got a friend in Mitt. No, really. We have a lot in common. I like to wear suits, and if you’re dead, you’re probably wearing a suit. And some people have said I’m a little stiff, and you’re a little stiff, too. I bet we would get along real well. … hello? Hello? Anybody listening? Do dead people sound like crickets?

Newt Gingrich: Romney’s a real tool isn’t he? But nobody knows more about the dead than I do. In fact, nobody knows more about anything than I do. I promise you, with the first 100 days I’m in office, we’ll fix death once and for all.

Perry (again): … well … this is pretty goldarn embarrassing. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. I guess I’m just brain dead. Hey! Guess you are, too. Say, why don’t we just go down to a diner somewhere and shake hands and shoot the breeze? I’m pretty good at that.

Jon Huntsman (translated from the Chinese): Confucious say, “campaigning with the dead can leave one cold.” Why did I get into this thing in the first place?

Remember, the polls are open early on Jan. 21. Republicans and Democrats can vote in the GOP primary, and neither a photo I.D. nor, apparently, a pulse are required to cast a vote.

Tucker Mitchell is Regional Editor of the Morning News. Contact him at 843-317-7250 or by email at cmitchell@florencenews.com