Musician Pedersen, Compassionate Friends helping others in grief

Debbie Dewitt Lowder lost her 26-year-old son “Little” Gary Lowder Jr. on June 6, 2002.

For months after his death, she didn’t know how or if she would make it through another day without him.

“He was my life, he was my future, he was my everything, and in a split second, all that was taken away,” Lowder said. “For two months, I was a complete zombie.

CELEBRATE THE CHILDREN CONCERT

WHAT: “Celebrate the Children” concert by Alan Pedersen
WHEN: 6:30 p.m. Oct. 27
WHERE: St. Anthony Catholic Church, 2536 Hoffmeyer Road, Florence
COST: Free, but donations will be accepted
INFO: www.everashleymusic.com
For more info about Compassionate Friends, call (843) 676-0066 or (843) 615-8485 or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.

“Your mind is so full of grief, you can’t think of anything. The hardest times are going to bed at night because it’s so quiet and then in the morning when you get up, because all you can think is ‘How in the world am I going to make it through another day?’”

Through her haze of grief, Lowder said she began trying to find some way to bring something good out of such a horrible tragedy. She established a scholarship in her son’s name and created a Web site in “Little Gary’s” memory, but what she longed for most was someone to talk to — someone who actually understood what she was going through.

“I was desperate,” Lowder said. “Losing a child is different than any other loss. It’s unnatural to lose a child. It’s out of order. What people who haven’t been through this don’t understand is it’s not just birthdays and Christmas that are hard for us. It’s every little thing. It’s October now, and just the other day, I found myself thinking about all of Little Gary’s Halloween costumes through the years. People don’t realize it, but something as simple as Halloween is just devastating when you’ve lost a child.”

Lowder began researching grief support groups on the Internet and came across Compassionate Friends, a self-help group for parents who have lost a child. She was immediately interested but disappointed to discover that the group’s only chapters in South Carolina were in Myrtle Beach, Greenville and Charleston. She inquired about starting a chapter in Florence but learned a person cannot start a chapter until at least two years after the death of his or her child.

“It was hard waiting those two years, but it’s a good policy, because you’re not in a position to help anyone else in those first two years,” Lowder said. “You’re barely making it yourself.”

Despite the waiting period, Lowder didn’t give up. In 2004, she and her husband met with another couple who had lost a child at Takis Restaurant in Darlington, and the Florence-Darlington chapter of Compassionate Friends was born.

The group meets twice a month: the second Tuesday of the month at 6:30 p.m. at St. Matthews Episcopal Church in Darlington and the fourth Tuesday of every month at First Reliance Learning Center in Florence. Some meetings may draw five people, while others draw 15 to 20. But no matter the number in attendance, the meetings are a time of healing and celebrating the lives of children lost.

“I know support groups aren’t for everyone, but I encourage every parent who’s lost a child to give the meetings a try,” Lowder said.

“You don’t have to talk, and it’s OK if you want to get up and leave,” she said. “There are no rules for grief. Sometimes, members want to talk about their children. Others just want to cry, and we cry with them. And that’s OK too, because tears are healing.

“We laugh, too. Someone will come in and tell a story about how the grief was so much that they forgot to pay their light bill. They can’t believe they’ve forgotten something so simple, and we all bust out laughing, because we’ve been there, too. We give each other hope, and that’s what this group is there for. For me, it’s the hope — and that I can help others know that you can go on.”

Dianne Mayne, a member of the group’s advisory board, found that same hope with the group after the death of her 18-year-old daughter Leslie Mayne in 2004.

“I got involved about six months after I lost Leslie, and it’s been a great help,” Mayne said. “You meet people who are in the same situation. I think as parents, our main fear is that our children will be forgotten and you never want that to happen. You can’t explain to anyone what it’s like to lose a child, but to somebody who’s lost a child, you don’t have to explain.”

In addition to meetings, the group holds several events each year to commemorate their children’s lives including a memorial walk, a balloon release and a candle lighting.

On Oct. 27, the group is sponsoring a free concert featuring musician Alan Pedersen at St. Anthony Catholic Church in Florence. Pedersen lost his 18-year-old daughter Ashley to a car accident.

Struggling for months to find answers and cope with the pain and anger, he joined Compassionate Friends and began performing at events across the nation. He uses music and song to celebrate his daughter’s life and help other parents through their grief. The free concert is open to the public, and Lowder says she hopes to have a large turnout.

“This concert is going to be a great event,” Lowder said. “I say all the time, ‘Good things are going to happen because of Little Gary,’ and they are happening. People thank me for the group and the things we do, and I always say, ‘Don’t thank me. Thank Little Gary. It’s all because of him.’”