Voting a feline for office

By: Charlie Walker | SCNOW
Published: May 14, 2008

Whoever said love is not having to say you’re sorry, you never ran for public office.

I heard on the news Morris the Cat was thinking about running for president. The Constitution doesn’t forbid turkeys from running. Why should it discriminate against cats?

Everybody loves cats, except dogs and rats. Personally, I couldn’t vote for a dog. I don’t trust anybody who wags his tail, I don’t care how many legs he’s got.

If my tomcat, the Great Hound T. Walker, should throw his flea collar into the ring, would he appeal to the masses? Would the voters cast their ballots for a cat who has never caught a rat?
There are those who would oppose my cat because he favors capital punishment. This is only partly true.

For example, if someone broke into my house and stole the can opener, that would be grounds for hanging, electrocution and anything else that would make the accused miserable.
If Hound T. should run for president, his private life would become public property.

Mike Wallace would be hot on the trail of every female cat Hound T. ever associated with.

Time magazine would do a cover story about all of the black and white kittens at Sandy Bay.

When the media discovered no marriage license had been issued to Hound T., even if he explained he was only doing what comes naturally, he would be trashed on the editorial page of every newspaper.
Preachers would condemn my cat of he-ing and she-ing without the benefit of the clergy.

Conservatives would attack my cat, claiming Hound T. was on welfare and never had a job. The New York Times would ask a question, “How can a nation elect a cat that can neither read nor write?” And while it’s true that Hound doesn’t have a high school diploma, this has never kept anyone from getting elected in Williamsburg County.

My cat does enjoy positive things that could help in his campaign.

Hound T. was not at Chappaquiddick. He had never wrestled with a tabby on the capital steps, and he would never give away the Panama Canal.

So, is the public ready to elect a cat that never caught a rat? The only thing Hound T. ever tried to eat other than food is that virtuous veterinarian, Dr. Walter Cottingham.

It was Walter’s own fault. Hound T. was a guest overnight at the Cottingham Taj Mahal — a Holiday Inn for animals where they are sliced, filleted or spayed. Fortunately, I was able to talk Hound T. out of taking a hunk out of Walter’s leg. That cat had high blood pressure and is not allowed to eat pork.

Alas, Hound T. has decided not to challenge Hillary, Obama or John McCain. Peggy says he’s too lazy to run.

That’s not true. Hound T. just doesn’t want to put up with all those turkeys in Washington.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.