Why can't we just be nice?

Kent Eanes still kicks himself for not confronting a grocery shopper who loaded her bags into a vehicle and pushed the empty cart into an adjacent parking space — a handicap spot. "As I get older, I know this will happen," the Richmond photographer said. "I know I will be that curmudgeon old man fussing at people in parking lots."
He also can’t forget the ultimate "me" act that he witnessed on an area highway: a young woman who refused to pull over for an ambulance that had its lights on and siren blaring because it would have put her in the wrong lane to make her turn.
"Now I ask: Is it humanly possible to be more selfish than to potentially put someone else’s life in jeopardy just because you don’t want to miss a turn?" he said.
"For years now, I have half-jokingly told my wife I plan to write a book ... rough working title: ‘Believe it or not, you aren’t the only person on the planet.’"
You can hardly go through a day without witnessing similar uncouth acts.
And then there’s the Internet, a cesspool of incivility and reckless informality where people anonymously bully others, write hate-filled diatribes, upload offensive pictures and otherwise exhibit precious little "netiquette."
Our personal tech gadgets have driven us to ignore the people in front of us in favor of all-thumbs communication with far-flung recipients.
Jacquelyn Small Thomas, owner of The Etiquette and Protocol School of Richmond, said one of her pet peeves is people who talk on a cellphone while waiting in line.
"It’s saying [to the sales associate], ‘I don’t respect you, I don’t have enough time to even say to you that I would like to order this,’" Thomas said.
Professor P.M. Forni, who founded the Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins University and is the author of two books, said he was an Italian-literature scholar at Hopkins when, in the 1990s, he experienced a midlife epiphany that shifted his focus to ethics.
"I was teaching Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’ when, one day, a thought occurred to me that had never occurred before," Forni said. "I want my students to know everything that there is to know about Dante, but even if they did and then they went out and were unkind to a little old lady on a bus, I would think that I had failed as a teacher."
He approached colleagues with five cartons of materials he had assembled on the topics of goodness, civility and politeness. Before long, the civility project, an academic and community-outreach program, was born.
"You wonder why there is so much hostility and such an enormous amount of people with a chip on their shoulders," he said.
The economic downturn has ramped up stress, but uncivil behavior was well-established before 2008, he said.
He targets the Internet as a prime culprit.
"People are not inhibited [on the Internet] like they would be face to face," he said. "The way we behave on the Net is now spilling into our offline world."
The positive news is that each generation tends to create new forms of deference and respect. Fewer young people, for example, might give up their seat on a bus to a pregnant woman, he said.
"But when that woman steps into the workplace, the number of men who take that woman more seriously as an intelligent peer is higher than it was 20 years ago."
Although manners are lagging, we are seeing a greater respect for the environment, increased tolerance of people of different races, ethnicities and sexual orientations, and more attention to vulnerable members of society, Forni said.
It’s ironic that those qualities weren’t in evidence Sept. 22 when Forni traveled to Rutgers University to give a speech celebrating the second anniversary of that
college’s civility project.
The university president came to Forni’s keynote address and informed him that a tragedy had just occurred. Tyler Clementi, a shy Rutgers freshman, had jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge after someone streamed video online of him having an intimate encounter with another young man.
"The scourge of bullying should be the shame of any civilization," Forni said.
Steven Petrow, a nationally syndicated columnist, author of "The Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners" and creator of GayManners.com, said civility begins at the family dinner table.
"I talk [in columns and on the website] about establishing a home life where respect and diversity are valued," Petrow said.
He also urges school districts to emphasize tolerance and adopt comprehensive anti-bullying policies. Richmond area schools have instituted strict anti-bullying strategies, including the internationally recognized Olweus program of weekly meetings, classroom lessons, parent and staff training, and consistent consequences.
Of everyday etiquette, Petrow said it takes time for new norms to be established.
"We have a tendency to blame technology, but I’m not sure technology is at fault," he said. "It just allows us to exercise our less-mannerly instincts."
Nowhere do manners seem more obsolete than in the political arena. In October, Frank Caprio, a Democratic candidate for governor of Rhode Island, said Barack Obama could "shove it" after learning the president wouldn’t endorse him.
Politicians have become so ill-mannered that Allegheny College political science Professor Dan Shea had a national conference of liberal and conservative college students create a list of 10 tips to improve civility in the political arena. Among the suggestions was a willingness to listen to opposing views, acknowledging the legitimacy of adversaries and asking clarifying questions before responding.
The shift from network to cable-news coverage has churned up a new breed of uncivil hosts and guests. With the free-for-all nature of cable and the 24-hour news cycle, political interviews routinely disintegrate into angry, sarcastic rants. The low-key, avuncular style of anchor Walter Cronkite and the unpretentious moderation of David Brinkley have been replaced by a generation of Glenn Becks, Keith Olbermanns and Sean Hannitys and the politicians with whom they loudly debate.
Henry Davis, owner of the Jerk Pit restaurant on West Broad Street, lived in proper old England and Jamaica until moving to Richmond in 1984. He also cites government, the British Parliament in particular, as breaking down civil values with televised sessions that showcase shouting, interruptions and hostility.
He said technology has hurt personal connections, particularly businesses that have sacrificed personal contact in favor of impersonal recorded menus to respond to phone customers.
"You wonder if it’ll ever be corrected because every youngster now is technologically savvy and it is their way of life," Davis said.
Media also is an influence. Baby boomers grew up with polite TV role models — think June Cleaver and Mister Rogers — and social monitors such as Emily Post and Miss Manners.
Today’s generation is bombarded with boorish pop-culture figures such as Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and reality "stars" who make millions and behave crudely.
Whatever happened to iconic etiquette expert Emily Post? She may be dead, but her cause lives on at The Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt. Her descendants write books and articles, maintain a website, Facebook page, Twitter account and an encyclopedia called an "etipedia," and in general carry on the business that Post started in 1922.
The mannerly mavens say gender, particularly the women’s movement, also figures into courtesy dilemmas. Is holding a door open for a woman polite or sexist? Experts suggest the new norm is to take a gender-neutral approach. When opening a door or exiting an elevator, consider who has his or her hands full or who is closer to the door.
Barbara Gestwick of Richmond said restoring civility is as simple as remembering the golden rule.
"I think it’s possible to reduce today’s incivility and rudeness by individually becoming more thoughtful and caring," she wrote in an e-mail. "Courtesy is contagious."
Gestwick serves as a volunteer usher at two local theaters, walking patrons to their seats and making sure they have programs.
"Recently, I showed one couple with their child to a row that appeared at first glance to be row O, but the woman said that it wasn’t the correct row — that it should have been Q instead, two rows back.
"I apologized for the error and assured her she was exactly right. I seated them in the correct row, explaining that in the past, the tickets used to be printed with QQ because of the difficulty in making just that distinction in a sometimes darkened theater.
"She then commented in a voice loud enough for me to hear that she hadn’t been confused at all because, after all, she had been taught to alphabetize. I thought the remark was clearly meant to embarrass me and if it was, she was successful. I was deeply chagrined and I returned red-faced to my post to assist the other patrons waiting in line.
"What bothered me the most was that it was said in front of her child, who may now think it is all right to speak in a similar way to others — that degrading someone is acceptable."
And what in the name of driver’s ed must youngsters be thinking as their parents weave in and out of traffic, blow their horns, tailgate and curse at others on the road? The top complaint in a recent Associated Press/Ipsos rudeness poll? Aggressive driving.
Corinne Geller, public relations manager for the Virginia State Police, said her office doesn’t track statistics on aggressive-driving incidents.
"I’d say we’ve seen an escalation in the severity of road rage, especially in Northern Virginia," she said.
In December, Thomas Pearson of Richmond was sideswiped by another driver at the Powhite Extension toll plaza.
"I beeped my horn as he came into my lane but he wouldn’t stop," Pearson recalled. "There was nowhere for me to go except into one of the dividers. I hit the brakes and tried to pull away as much as I had room for, but he still hit me.
"When we came out of the tollbooth on the other side, I was not accelerating because I knew we would have to pull over and exchange insurance information. The other driver made a run for it. I was lucky enough to get his license plate number, but as he veered off the next exit trying to elude me, he added insult to injury by flipping me off."
Professor Forni calls on parents, guardians, teachers and church leaders to emphasize respect for others to ensure a more civil next generation.
"We’ve been very good about instilling self-esteem in our children, maybe too good," he said. "An oversized sense of self-esteem can lead to being self-absorbed, thinking the world revolves around them. That makes it difficult to be considerate and kind."
For the most part, people still smile when they pass you on the street and carry out random acts of kindness. Although it seems we live in selfish, uncaring times, history shows that every generation thinks its society has gone to hell in a handbasket.
Mark Rizaulait of Richmond e-mailed this cautionary quote:
"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."
Socrates said that almost 2,500 years ago, according to Plato.