The Post and Courier — the ears, nose, and big mouth of the Lowcountry — says imported and domestic extra virgin olive oils are making a big splash in the Holy City. I thought that Olive Oil was Popeye’s girlfriend. The olive oil craze hasn’t invaded Sandy Bay yet. I haven’t observed a single McKenzie or Floyd at the Café Ridiculous putting olive oil on their grits, sardines, or using olive oil instead of peanuts in their Pepsi Cola.
The Café Ridiculous may never be in Bon Appétit Magazine as one of the premier restaurants in the county but you never leave hungry. And now there’s music to enjoy with your meal. Listen to the magic strings of Montovani play “Maple on the Hill,” “The Wabash Cannonball” and “She’s Out Doing What I’m Sitting at Home Doing Without” while you enjoy a fine meal.
The Café Ridiculous offers the hottest wings in the Pee Dee. If your teeth won’t melt, the wings are half price. While refreshing beverages are served, no alcohol is allowed except rubbing alcohol. If they catch you drinking it, you cannot pass go and you can’t collect $200.
The Café Ridiculous had to ban alcohol when the coroner and the undertaker started complaining. The coroner spent so much time at Sandy Bay, they named him an honorary McKenzie, which is the highest award you can receive in Williamsburg County. And Williamsburg Funeral Home had to open an office at Sandy Bay. Keels Brockington and Kelton Floyd protested, claiming unfair labor practices. Both Keels and Kelton claimed they had buried more McKenzies than Williamsburg Funeral Home. Keels Brockington claimed he had buried more McKenzies, while Kelton Floyd claimed he had buried more dead McKenzies. This may go all the way to the Supreme Court.
The Café Ridiculous is offering a free cup of coffee with every $25 you spend. This coffee is no 98-pound weakling . This caffeine has steroids in it. You have to sign a release saying you won’t die on the premises before you are allowed to drink a cup. Wayne McKenzie spilled some on his foot and his toes galloped off into the sunset.
This is the meeting place for the deer hunters once the season starts. The deer hunters at Sandy Bay are pure. They don’t smoke, don’t chew, don’t dip, don’t drink, don’t chase wild women, and don’t shoot deer out of season. But you’d be surprised at how many deer commit suicide by shooting themselves. The deer hunters at Sandy Bay are as pure as Obama’s health plan.
At Sandy Bay, cleanliness is next to Godliness. A new rule is being enforced. The first two layers of soil have to be scraped off. A hammer and a chisel will be provided. If your deodorant is not working, keep out. Stinking without a license is forbidden. Licenses are on sale at the courthouse. All the proceeds, like the lottery, will go for education.
— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.
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